Kenji's Journal

i leave you with this

2003-07-07T03:45:59Z

I think I said a while back that nothing ever goes as planed and I stand as living proof of that statement. A few months ago I would never image myself to be were I am now, I’m not saying I’m completely put together. Just the opposite I still have a long way to go and plenty to learn and un- learn.

When I first knew about everyone it was only so I could find you and kill you, you wanted to kill me as well. Hell maybe some of you still want to kill me, I am a pretty big asshole.
Quatre I think I owe the world to you and there is no way I will ever be able to pay you back for everything you’ve done for me. You can sit there and be humble with all your cleaver saying about how people are free if they want to be. No, I wasn’t free I was property I was a slave. You set me free and taught me a lot about people, you taught me there is more to life then kill or be killed. I’m sorry for any pain I’ve ever caused you.

I suppose I should also take the time to say sorry to Trowa for kidnapping him, then breaking his nose and beating him up. You still hold a grudge against me I can see it in you, I guess you have a right to dislike me. I could try and explain the person I was at the time but I can’t I was a terrible person when we first met.

Also I’m sorry I misled Sage to do the terrible things she has done, she is my fault everything she has ever done wrong to you people has been because I’ve me. I also owe an apology to Sage herself, I told you to do something only to rat you out and have you put in jail. I can understand what ever resentment or hate you hold towards me.
I pulled everyone down I tried as hard as I could once I realized what I had done to pull everyone up again.

It’s not easy when everything you’ve ever know turns out to be terribly wrong and evil. I had no morals, no value of human life, I only had two emotions; anger and hate.
In everything I learned the down side of having more then two negative emotions, feelings can make you weak, scared, vulnerable. Everything I never was and never wanted to be I suddenly became. I didn’t know how to take it and I’m still learning to cope with these things.

Heero, my whole life in the underground I feared and fought with everything I had to avoid what you did to me. Maybe I should have killed you ate the height of my anger and hate towards you, I don’t know. I’ve had plenty of time to think and you made me think about it more when you asked me to kill you. I realize now your point of view on life is as distorted as mine, even though I would never do what you did. In a sense I forgive you, we have to forgive in order to let go and move on.

Now that everything is said and done I plan to take what little I have and go live with Duo in L2. I hope Hilde is alright with that I don’t think Duo consulted her on my moving in. I honestly don’t know how or why you put up with me Duo. I’m the most unstable person you may ever meet, but I’m happy as hell you do put up with me. I despise who and what I am for reason involving my past, but as long as your there to remind me that things are ok I think I’ll be fine.

I can’t say where life will take me now I can only hope everything is for the better.

I plan on getting a pet again, i think i'm ready for a new one. I wounder if Duo and Hilde will let me take a fighting dog from the underground so i can have someone to reflect on the past with

Keep a green tree in your heart
and maybe a song bird will come
-Chinese saying

I've had time to kill

2003-07-05T16:33:59Z

Name: Kenji Yamamoto
Age: 19
Birth Place: Mars (I think)
Eyes: Blue
Hair: Black
Height: six feet
Weight: one eighty
Level of Education- none
Favorite food: I’ll eat anything
Last thing you ate: I forget
Favorite drink: vodka
Last thing you drank: Coffee that some fag spit in
Favorite alcoholic drink: …vodka?
Last alcoholic drink you drank: vodka
What would your theme song be: Poison the Well- Sliced paper wrists
One word that describes you best: unstable
One word that lest describes you: Kawai *shakes fist at Duo*
Favorite book: Tibetan book of the dead
Do you swear: All the time.
Do you Smoke: Duo ruined smoking for me thanks, ass.
Do you Drink: Too much
Do you loose your temper: yes
Do you Tend to be violent: ….did someone write this thing as a joke?
Do you play a sport: No.
If you were a tree what kind would you be: Who thinks about this?!
Name one thing that makes you nervous: walking into a dark room barefoot with out knowing there’s broken glass on the floor
Name one thing that makes you happy: Apple pie
Name one thing that makes you mad: Public affection
Any last words: I’m going to kill the fag who spit in my coffee

looky looky

2003-07-01T22:03:06Z

mraaahhh prismacolor markers are soooo fun ;)

kyamamoto @ 2003-06-27T22:57:00

2003-06-28T02:59:39Z

(for Duo's eyes only)

kyamamoto @ 2003-06-27T15:42:00

2003-06-27T20:04:54Z

(for duo)
You were the first person I trusted still maybe the only person. I’m trying to learn things and make up for lost time but there’s so much to learn. When you told me you didn’t care about me, I didn’t know what to think. Where you just mad? Should I have ridden the storm out? I don’t know I need these things spelled out for me!

What you burden yourself with

2003-06-26T19:57:46Z

I’m completely out of shorts for more then one reason mainly because Duo took it upon him self to make me stop smoking. In doing so he’s taken my last two packs of cigarettes and has either a. hidden them or b. crushed them under his foot. Both ways I’m highly agitated by the whole subject and I’m sorry if I seem itchy or high-strung. I’ve been having a nic’ fit for the past ten or something hours (for those of you who don’t smoke I’m referring to nicotine).

Besides that I’m out of practice out of shape and out of touch with my martial arts. I really had no idea how bad I had become till I was forced to go back into the fight ring. Harder training is on my to-do list.

Quatre keeps asking me what I’m going to do with the rest of my life, well a month ago I was planning to live to the ripe age of 25 or something like that but that changed. Now I have options and stuff like that, jeezz talk about being slightly over whelmed. I know its difficult for some people to get the fact that a person who has never had an option in his life and now having the world thrown at him can be slightly slow to react to things.

I’m still sad over Kitty’s absence, it was my only company for so long. Being ill was an understatement when she died.

I don’t know when but very soon I’ll be going off on my own, I don’t think I’ll tell anyone when I do. One day you’ll just not hear me swearing and everyone will be calm you’ll know I’m gone then. So I’ll exit as outlandishly as I entered.

I know you’d all like to think I don’t snoop around sniffing things I shouldn’t be, but then we all have to face reality that I’m a sneaky no good son of a bitch who has a knack for coming across things labeled ‘confidential’ in my own words I can offer no advice I can only quote.

Victory breeds hatred
He who has given up both
Victory and defeat, he is contented and happy
- Dhammapada

Quatre you were such a bad sport when it cam to pose

2003-06-25T15:13:18Z

*rolls over laughing so hard i'm ready to break the seems on my crapy shirt*

kyamamoto @ 2003-06-24T09:26:00

2003-06-25T01:26:41Z

Everything dies at one point or another, I know that and its never bothered me. Leaving mars didn’t go as planed in fact lots of things went wrong. If you count the fact that I’m alive you could say everything turned alright in the end.

Kitty died

I had that stupid cat for nine years

That’s really all I have to say about that

kyamamoto @ 2003-06-24T03:24:00

2003-06-24T19:24:34Z

see it's funny because i smoke, ahaha

thinking out loud

2003-06-24T02:42:57Z

I'm not to sure if i'm sure of myself laitly, there's been a lot to think about these past few weeks and i've been thinking so much i'm about to bleed out of my ears.
I have a lot to think about, shit i dont want to think about even though it's all i've been thinking about.

you're thinking too, dont pretend you're not

maybe the longest ride EVER

2003-06-23T20:56:35Z

((for anyone who dosnt want to enslave Kenji, everyone else go burn in hell, ok?))

the world is so constructed that
if you wish to enjoy its pleasures,
you also much endure its pains
-Swami Brahmananda

It was kinda fun to see the old underground again, and kill that looser 'the crusher' what the hell is with stage names? As long as everyone knows who the real champ is i have no need to go back there. And besides the fact that Duo blew up maybe half of it.

So at last i meet Gundam pilot 1, or zero...what ever, weird guy but you have to admire the fact he's willing to toss the towel in to get something done. I don't know why Quatre gets so boo-hoo about it the man's just doing his job.

Leaving mars huh, well that should me most interesting indeed. Quatre asked me what i was going to do as a quoat unquoat "free" man. I was thinking some where along the lines of opening an illegal dog fight ring--no, kidding Quatre, KIDDING! ha...ha, ohh no ones in the mood for kidding.

Duo if you hit me with your fucking purse one more time i'm going to choke you with your own hair in your sleep.
i'll leave on that note

a tree that is unbending is easily broken

2003-06-23T02:42:48Z

**for people who do not wish Kenji's death to see***

yes dressing up was a GREEAAT idea Quatre, i look like a tool Duo well he looks like a chick and YOU oh dont get me going on what you look like!!

So in case you see some preppy looser and a hoe walking around telling each other how much they wish the other was dead, it's none other then i and Duo

only problem is i'm wearing Quatre's clothes and his shoulder are a bit smaller then mine so sorry if your fancy shirt comes back a bit strechted

it seemed to be the cool thing to do

2003-06-21T02:23:26Z

kyamamoto
Magic Number	24
Job	Most Hated Person - Ever
Personality	The Glass Is Half-Empty
Temperament	Sweet Natured
Sexual	Whatever, Whenever, Whoever
Likely To Win	A Free Coke
Me - In A Word	Divine
Colour
Brought to you by MemeJack

and look i'm the most hated person EVER!! that is true...

speech and silence transgress

2003-06-20T14:38:18Z

I took advantage of Duo sleeping to gain access to my laptop which i took with me, Duo untied me don't worry Quatre i don't think i'm going anywhere. My own personal mission didnt go as planned in more ways then one.

as Duo so kindly pointed out, i don't care about anyone. Then again who would i have to care about and for what reason? But i think i'm starting to care, i'm still not sure if its a good thing

My whole life I've been cold and unbreakable it's what's kept me safe. Now i think i'm breaking and it's making me ill to a degree. I plan on doing some stupid things which may end up with me dead at Seivan's commands. I'm not too bothered by the idea though.

which is within is not right

2003-06-14T13:42:23Z

I know this is really stupid what i'm about to do, my own boss will most likly send someone (or three) to give me a beating. Really though the game was getting slow.

ugh

2003-06-13T19:13:55Z

i have had no sleep since 3am, even then it was something like 20 minutes. That chump locked himself in the bathroom, i was too worried he would get out so i sat against the door. I know he's in there now because i can hear him and every now and then he curses at me. I might have to kick the door knob off, shame really i really like the door fixes. I might even splinter the wood in the door, but really i'm tried of this.
latter on today i was cleaning around the place because i had nothing better to do. Under my bed i found a box of empty magazine clips. I didnt know i had those with the way things are going i might be able to reload them and put em' to use.

more of the same

2003-06-12T20:23:58Z

You all want to know why, it’s all I ever hear from your whinny mouths. To be honest I don’t care to know why I have to put up this kid or any of you. I only know my orders and really I’m ok with that. I’m sure some will ask why I don’t care, but really it’s none of your business.
About Trowa, along with loosing his memory I think he forgot how to be smart. When you’re told not to do something and it’s mad perfectly clear then you do just the opposite. Seriously was he on stupid pills or something?! Does he like to be kicked? Maybe he does and I should threaten to do something else like flick the side of his head (no one likes THAT).
Honestly people any other guy would have shot him up with something and threw him in a closet and maybe pull him out for beatings every now and then. I don’t do that, fuck I’d lock him in the house and let him walk around if maybe he wasn’t so stupid.
And Trowa’s chummy pals saying they’re going to kill me, come on I’ve heard that maybe a billion times. I’m off to take a nap.

i'll make this clear for all

2003-06-11T19:54:47Z

this is your brain

this is your brain when you make a wrong move

have a nice day

if you didnt notice i'll point it out

2003-06-11T19:07:46Z

Well yesterday went a tad easier then expected, so easy its kind of humoring now that I look back. The guy Trowa, he has the blankest look in his eyes he really has no memory I almost feel somewhat sorry for the guy. It doesn’t matter to me if he even remembers his own name, I don’t want him for information I’ll make that clear enough to all. This kid is nothing but a pawn blocking my king, and to get to the king the pawn has to go down.

I think I’ve been as nice as kidnappers come, hell I offered to buy him coffee (guess he’s not a coffee drinker) Only when he does something dumb would I ever do something.

I’m sure I’ll be hearing from someone in the time weather I call them or they call me (you have my number ;) ) But really I don’t think I’m in a chatty mood so I’d suggest we all sit tight until I feel like talking.

it never ends on Earth

2003-06-08T23:38:31Z

According the local paper, the inauguration for the newly appointed delegates of the ESUN didn’t go as planed. A Leo attacked the inauguration which led to much trouble and many people being hurt. It’s a shame really that there were innocent people that got hurt, of course politicians don’t fall under my standards of innocent but that’s beside the matter. I also hope certain people made it safly out of harms way.

I have my doubts and worries about what is to come between Mars and Earth, everyone does weather they like to think about them.

Besides life outside of Mars everything has been going fine, for myself at least. There will always be issues about the Maracium mines because there will always somehow be a fool down in the mines to get hurt.

I need to feed the cat this is all until next time

everything has to be so hard to do

2003-06-08T21:39:19Z

you think i could do something so simple as draw a picture and post it up, i know i should have posted it the way i always have but i got lazy(dam me) and i drew duo insteed of heero (which maybe is a good thing...) but it was still fun to draw

Happy Deathday!
Your name:	kyamamoto
You will die on:	Tuesday, February 19, 2030
You will die of:	Lung Cancer
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